


that lonesome sound

by sabinelagrande



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: queerlygen, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Gen, Kinky Gen, Queer Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-22
Updated: 2010-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-13 23:01:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/142673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a box labeled yes and a box labeled no.</p>
            </blockquote>





	that lonesome sound

There's a box labeled yes and a box labeled no.

What's in the boxes moves around, but everybody always knows what it is. John's seen it change- "gay and in the military" was in no, but now it's officially in yes. There's other stuff, too, stuff that's between the lines; "fast and in the military" is almost a given for the yes category, and John's willing to go so far as to say that "toppy and in the military" goes in there as well.

"Submissive and in the military" still puts John firmly in the no box.

So he sits on it, he sits with it, he keeps it to himself for the better part of five years. On Earth he could make a mistake; he could go to a club or look on the internet and find somebody, anybody to take him out of himself for a while. And it was risky, it was always risky, but it was an acceptable kind of risk, a manageable one.

But on Atlantis, where he probably needs it the most, there's nothing and no one, no chance to even find out if there might be. He still thinks about it, entertains a notion or two, speculates on who under his command does what- but he doesn't act on it, not ever.

And it gets to him, little by little; it stacks up. Some days it seems so remote, a part of him that's not even there; some days it's right under the surface, biting at his skin, making him want to stand up and shout it out to everyone, give up giving a damn about it. He feels like a liar all the time, but he keeps his shoulders straight and his mouth shut, because that's the price he pays to keep his shit together.

And it all comes to a head some time during their fifth year. It's hot, and he and Rodney are sitting on one of the piers watching the sun set, and they're eating ice cream, of all the odd things. And all of a sudden John's reached his limit, he can't not say something, he's jumping out of his skin, and Rodney has to understand, he just has to, or John doesn't know what'll happen, just that he won't come through unscathed.

"I was wondering," John says, and he stops, lost for words.

"You do tend to do that," Rodney quips.

John ignores him. "How do you feel about." He shifts uncomfortably, suddenly feeling like this is a terrible, terrible idea. "Um, bondage and stuff?"

Rodney is frozen, his spoon halfway to his mouth. "Why are you asking me?" he says, his whole body tensed.

"I was kind of wondering if I had a friend," he says, staring at his ice cream so that he won't have to look Rodney in the face.

Rodney lets out an exasperated sigh. "Seriously, don't ever scare me like that again. I thought for sure you were going to kick my ass."

"So, you-"

"Yeah, me," Rodney says.

"Huh," John replies, because he hasn't got any other words for all the feelings that are welling up inside of him. He usually doesn't.

"Listen," Rodney says quickly, "I don't know if- I don't know what you think, but- I know how I come off, okay? And just because I- just because I might be-" He sighs. "I don't top, if that's what you're getting around to asking."

"Oh," John says, blinking, because he's just realized what this whole conversation sounds like. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't either."

Rodney snorts in amusement. "Is this the part where we start writing in our slam books and braiding each other's hair?"

It's not that funny, but, God help him, John busts out laughing, out of mixed relief and nervousness.

"So," Rodney says, idly licking ice cream off his spoon, smiling at having made John lose it. "How do you feel about Woolsey?"

John realizes that he can do this, he can have this, he can sit here with his best friend and just talk, without worrying about anything. "Are you kidding?" he says, and if his voice is sort of thick and hoarse, he can always blame it on the ice cream. "Have you heard the way he barks orders?"

Rodney grins, sneaky and secretive. "Yeah, I have."

So John's still a no.

But some days, now, he feels like a maybe.


End file.
